Here's my query letter for my manuscript, can anyone give me any advice with this.?

Dear agent,



A new world order is established after a global economic collapse, with an oppressive government controlled by its own corruption and a satanic shadow elitist Underworld who runs the World Bank which controls and owns the government as the world central banking system. After the assassination of the president, James Griffith and Brenton Edwards, men on opposite sides of the continent, begin to unearth these truths, affronting these evils while uncovering dark secrets turning their lives upside down.



Former elite sniper James Griffith has been in hiding since the murder of his wife over a code which contains access to a trillion dollars worth of gold reserves. After a desperate search the Underworld has located James. Instead of running from these powerful giants of organized crime, who has deep connections to the World Bank, something clicks and changes him. This change sends James affronting those in the Underworld to uncover the truth and to find his wife鈥檚 murderer for a lust of retribution. Brenton Edwards, agent of the Secret Intelligence Ministry, a thought police established by the World Bank with power outweighing the government, is mandated to find the assassinate to protect national security. Setting foot into the darkness of the Underworld organized crime syndicates, he affronts powerful informants in search of the one responsible. In disconcerting revelation he begins to unearth the truth about his government and the true deception and corruption which it stands for, with the veil of ignorance lifting from his eyes, turning his world upside down, sending his life crumbling before his very eyes. Former Secret Intelligence Ministry agent Ward Stone is a devilishly mysterious figure, a psychopathic and homicidal assassin who loathes people and lusts for power and control with no fear for those who surround him, and represents all that is evil in the world. Stone sets forth to take control of the world through the corruption of the government by destroying the elitist Underworld and gaining power over the World Bank to establish his malevolent New Order, and to exterminate the human species all together.



The Politics of corruption has greatly served as a fascination for me. For as long as I can recall I鈥檝e been evaluating politics. I am currently studying politics and economics at my college. I鈥檓 an avid fan of the writings of Ayn Rand, who I see influence and much inspiration. Through my experiences and what I analyze, I鈥檝e been greatly inspired to write this novel which conveys this corruption and represents the Revelations in the Bible. I鈥檓 also an artist who has won several art competitions. Successfully I鈥檝e sold my art, which has also been displayed in local galleries open for the community.



Rising Darkness is a complete 170000 word science fiction thriller manuscript. It is available upon request. This story is targeted to young adults and political readers. Thank you for your generous time. I look forward to hearing from you soon.



What advice would you give me and what changes should I make to make it more attractive to an agent? Try to be a little detailed and maybe if you can give some examples. As you can see I'm new to this. Thank you for your help.Here's my query letter for my manuscript, can anyone give me any advice with this.?
You should name the Agent you are giving this to. Also it is way to long! You want to keep it short and simple.



http://www.agentquery.com/writer_hq.aspx



that website will help you greatly! I suggest you take a look at it.Here's my query letter for my manuscript, can anyone give me any advice with this.?
First of all, 170,000 words is a hard, hard sell, especially if you're aiming this thing at the YA market and you don't have a track record already. Lose the line about who it's targeted to.



As for the query itself, you should read it out loud in a hunt for typos. "mandated to find the assassinate to protect national security" (I think you mean "assassin") and "affronting these evils" (I think you mean "confronting"--"affronting" does not mean what you seem to think it means) were two that jumped out at me as I scanned that giant wall o'text. Your query letter should be about a page long and tell the agent who your Character is, what Choices they have to make, and the Consequences of those choices. Lose the paragraph starting with "The Politics of corruption"--the agent doesn't care what inspired you.



Randomly: First sentence, way too long and confusing. In fact, lose the whole first paragraph or incorporate that info into the part where you're talking about the characters. Farther down, "homicidal assassin" is redundant. "Something clicks and changes him"--WHAT clicks and changes him? What's so important that the death of his wife didn't change him but this did?



And break up that big paragraph into one for each character. Because gah. Hit the very nub of your characters' motivations--what drives them, what happens when they take action?



Good luck. :)Here's my query letter for my manuscript, can anyone give me any advice with this.?
This has information about writing a query, including examples. http://www.jamesrussellpublishing.biz/qu鈥?/a>



One of the first things that catches me with this query is the writing. The sentences, in the description portion of the letter, are all the same type. Sentences should vary.



"The Politics" I am not sure why "Politics" is capitalized.



I would revise the paragraph that starts with "The Politics." Explain why you are qualified.



Another difficulty I see is the 170000 word size. That is too big for a single novel.

According to this, a novel is 60000 to 100000 words. http://www.write101.com/dgnovel.htm

It also indicates that shorter novels are easier to convince an editor to read.



Young adult novels, as I understand it, are different from political novels. Additionally, you have mentioned Revelations and the Bible. Are you trying to published a 170000 word novel involving religion and politics directed at teenagers?



"What advice would you give me and what changes should I make to make it more attractive to an agent? Try to be a little detailed and maybe if you can give some examples. As you can see I'm new to this. Thank you for your help."



I am not sure the above paragraph is a good idea. The goal is to sound confident and ready to take on the publishing world while being willing to accept you don't know everything at the same time. Its therefore a lot like a cover letter for a job. Be very careful how you word everything.



What to watch out for in seeking an agent: http://www.sfwa.org/for-authors/writer-b鈥?/a>

This is a directory of agents: http://www.writers.net/agents.html (Please read the link above this before checking this site. Remember, don't pay an agent directly. They get paid from your royalties. If they don't get your book published, they shouldn't have their hand out. With that in mind, do not pay for editing services claiming to make your book a hit. That's bs. If they could write guaranteed hits, why are they wasting their time making your book a hit?)